Vulnerability is the Safest Place

Guard your heart. This command comes from Proverbs 4:23 and it seems to be the golden rule in Christian dating. Christians like to think that if we withhold getting emotionally attached and spiritually intimate with someone of the opposite sex we will somehow save ourselves from the heartbreak of a failed romance and have more of ourselves to give to a future spouse.

But in protecting ourselves from the dangers of dating are we sabotaging the whole relationship process?

When you date someone the goal is to get to know them. And you don’t just want to know their favorite color and their hometown-- you want to know everything. You want intimacy and understanding. But Christians tend to set emotional boundaries on these things.

 (And outside of marriage there will always be a gap between emotional and physical intimacy. The intimacy I refer to in this post is emotional. Boundaries concerning physical intimacy are a different matter which I talk about in my post on purity.)

Don’t share parts of your life story that are too personal.  Don’t spend too much time alone. Don’t do bible studies together. We make all these boundaries for ourselves to postpone emotional intimacy until engagement or marriage when we can be sure this person can be trusted. But if we are not careful these boundaries for our hearts may become walls which will stifle all chances of authentic trust and vulnerability.

Perhaps there is a better way?

Resolving the Debate on Christian Courtship and Dating

Walking around a Christian college campus, it is easy to spot the couples. They hold hands on their way to class, he puts his arm around her in chapel, and they sit in the campus coffee shop studying their Bibles together. Just glancing at them you can’t tell the difference between those who consider their relationship a courtship and those who would say they were dating, but this was no doubt a weighty decision for them at one point.

There is an ongoing debate among Christians about which is the best way to secure a spouse: courting or dating? Courting is seen as a more conservative option characterized by the guy asking the girl’s father for permission before pursuing her romantically. The whole relationship is closely monitored by chaperones and there are strict rules limiting physical contact. Dating, in contrast, is less restricted. The boy asks the girl out how he pleases, the couple spends one on one time together, and there is less intensity and intentionality. Both have the same goal, marriage.

Christians are becoming increasingly obsessed with marriage. "Conservative Protestants, especially churchgoing conservative Protestants, [are] particularly attached to the married state," reports sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox. There is no doubt courtship, dating, and marriage are all hot topics for Christians today. Katelyn Beaty reports there are 25,000 titles under "Christian marriage" at Amazon.com. We host conferences and plan youth group lesson series on how to court and date as a Christian. At the center of all this discussion is the question of courting versus dating.

Many Christians have adopted courtship as a more intentional alternative to dating. The motive is to respect parents and avoid heartbreak. Advocates of courtship say the inclusion of parents in relationships allows for more accountability for the couple on the physical and emotional level. Also, chaperones serve to shield the couple from temptation. Courtship is designed to protect the couples’ hearts by setting up boundaries and accountability.

However, some Christians are not sold on the courtship idea. In his article “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed,” which received over half a million views and over 100,000 shares on Facebook, blogger Thomas Umstattd said courtship has been unsuccessful in producing marriages. He is not the only person who believes traditional dating more effective than courtship. Many argue it is easier to identify people you may be interested in if the first step is going on a date to get to know each other not entering a relationship leading directly to marriage.

Both relationship styles have their own advocates with different reasoning to back them, but their followers have the common goal of more marriages.

Marriage is an amazing institution which should be protected and treasured; the problem comes when it is our ultimate goal and purpose. Many young Christians can get caught up in the pursuit of a spouse, and they become more focused on themselves and their person of interest than where God fits into the equation. If you are pursuing a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, marriage should be somewhere in the plan, but every Christian’s goal—single or married, young or old, man or woman—should be to glorify God, not to get married. Instead of arguing about whether courting or dating will produce more marriages, we should focus on how we can best glorify God and love one another in courtships and on dates. Including parents in the beginning of the relationship is only a formality, a sign of what you believe about your parents. However, the sign does not make the respect any more valuable.

If we immerse our guy-girl relationships in grace, purity, respect, and selflessness we will find better results in both courting and dating. Those results may not necessarily be more weddings but something more valuable: loving, God-glorifying Christians.

The Bible tells us what healthy marriages look like, how to relate to the opposite sex, and how to respect and love other people. All this can be accomplished in both dating and courting. However you chose to build a relationship, if you let marriage be your goal you are aiming at the wrong target. If you put your hope in God and glorify him in your relationship, you are more likely to build strong personal character and a healthy relationship than if your motive is marriage.

Additional Resources:
Toward a Biblical Approach to Dating

Accepted

I have written a lot about rejection. I was rejected and it hurt to the core of my being.

Isn't it supposed to? We are fundamentally relational creatures fashioned in the image of a God who has perfect fellowship within His three beings. He has created us with the purpose of living in harmonious relationships with Him and with each other. So when the desire of our hearts is to be loved, known, and accepted and this is interrupted by rejection... it is meant to hurt. This pain draws our attention to our need to be accepted into a community.

It is ok to have the feeling of rejection. There is nothing wrong with the desire to be united with another human being. However, as Christians, we have to be careful identifying too much as a reject.

"And He came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near. For through Him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus Himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord." -- Ephesians 2:17-21

You see, we were indeed rejects at one point, but we have been brought near to be part of a family and kingdom that is growing together for the glory of God. Although we may have real feelings of rejection in our life, we are not the rejected ones.

Despite the failings of human relationships, we are perfectly united to Christ through His death and resurrection.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ-- by grace you have been saved-- and raised up with Him and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus." -- Ephesians 2:4-6

We are as accepted as we ever need to be.

This doesn't mean we need to ignore the feeling of human rejection. In my opinion, it is healthy to feel this pain. However, let it lead you directly to Christ, thanking Him that you are ok because your identity is rooted in Him. Also, stay filled with grace. Remember that you are not only united to Christ, but through Him you are also in the community of believers.

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female, for you are all one in Christ." -- Galatians 3:28

When someone makes you feel rejected, it is easy to become bitter toward them. Don't. Since our identity as  someone accepted is firm in Christ, we can be brave to forgive, to love, and to accept others knowing full well they may break our hearts.

So don't numb yourself to the pain of rejection-- we are relational. But don't wallow in rejection either. Know you have been accepted and that is your only identity from this day forward. Who calls rejected what God has called accepted?.... Son and Daughter?... Beloved?

(This post was inspired by what I have been learning in the True Discipleship Journal by Susan Hunt. Also, my church's sermon series through Ephesians... Can you tell ;))

Forgiveness

I did a dangerous thing this past week: I listened to this song on repeat. It is a beautiful song to me as it reminds me the cross has given me endless opportunities to repent and be given a "clean slate." God has used it to show me how my mistakes can be forgiven and I can live unashamedly in the love of Christ. But the thing about immersing yourself in the message of forgiveness is that you will tend to extend the gift to others without even realizing it.

That is what I did. After letting this song and the biblical truth it carries become such a big part of my life, I barely noticed myself giving yet another second chance to someone who had unintentionally hurt me deeply. The hope I felt when I let go of this person's past faults was encouraging and invigorating. That was until a tiny breach of trust in another relationship reminded me that second chances run the risk of getting hurt all over again.

I closed up almost instantly. "Oh no," I said to myself, "I will not trust you again, you didn't earn it and I don't want to risk the pain. You have run out of chances."

But, by doing this, I let forgiveness die in my life. Christ died so that I might be forgiven for the wrongdoings I did and have continued to do everyday. Yet He has not and will not disown me for my mistakes. He has forgiven my sins and made me a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) even though I did not deserve it. Who am I to deny the forgiveness I have been granted to any one else (Matthew 6:14-15)? That would be assuming that I did deserve my salvation and forgiveness, which is simply not true.

So how many times must I be willing to forgive? Seventy times seven times (Matthew 18:22)! It seems I too am responsible for giving countless second chances at the cross...

But aren't there times when people are too toxic and prone to hurting you that they should be permanently removed from your life? Probably so. But more often than not we must simply trust God to protect our hearts from hurt and continue to love these people unconditionally. Protecting myself from hurt is no excuse to stop loving. It hurt Jesus in the worst possible way when He died on the cross, but it was the greatest story of love ever told. It is a case by case matter, but, in my case, I need to let this person back into my life. No matter how much it hurts, when it is unintentional there needs to be an abundance of grace.

God has a plan for every relationship-- good or bad-- and He can use people in our lives most effectively when we let go of the baggage and erase our records of wrongs. This leaves us extremely vulnerable, but a lot of the time this is exactly where God wants us because it is where we best see Him protecting our hearts and providing the best possible outcomes to draw us nearer to Him.

(Oh! And thanks Mom for providing the conversations to inspire these thoughts :)

Rejoice

Rejection is painful. It burns in my eyes, heart, and pit of my stomach. It makes me want to change myself to become worthy. Ruining my day. Making me want to run away. Filling me with anger, hurt, and confusion.

Rejection makes me want to curl up in a cave of fear and isolation. It makes me forget the overflowing joy my life has.

I wrote a post a while back about God having only the best planned for me. I have to remind myself of this truth in times of rejection. I have to know that the absences causing me pain are NOT God rejecting me, but Him protecting me. It hurts at the moment, but I know God does not withhold any good thing from His children. He loves me and has blessed me in immeasurable ways, which He graciously magnifies in times of brokenness. 

When we are rejected, it is tempting to retreat and mull it over. Which to some extent it is good to take times like these to evaluate where you're dependence lies: In the opinions of a valued friend or in the opinion of God. Yet, we must force ourselves to go on with life. Just because one person abandoned you, does not mean you are abandoned. There are most likely many people who love you and value who you are without alterations. So in this time of rejection, choose to rejoice. Rejoice in the joy and fun and love that your life is full of. Look forward to opportunities that are available, not lost. And, most importantly, know that God has given you acceptance that outweighs all the rejection this world can throw at us.

Lonely

A year and a half ago, my family went on a trip for spring break before my sister left for South Africa for nine months.

It was pretty much a week long goodbye.









A lot has happened since those days by the sea. I acknowledged half-way through Mal's absence that neither of us would ever be the same after she came back.

In a way, I was right. God did a lot of molding in our hearts in very different ways. It took weeks just to figure out how to live together again and months to reclaim the honesty we had as sisters.  I'm not going to lie, it hurt to be shaped. I am thankful, but He ripped a lot of things away from me in those months and I have never been so lonely.

Lonely:: Alone, or in want of company; forsaken. 

Forsaken. Mallory was not the only thing I lost during those months. Several other people close to me also seemed to drift away and, for the first time in my life, I was forced to define myself by something other than the people around me.

One person did not forsake me however. His name was Jesus Christ. As a matter of fact, He drew ever so close when I called out in loneliness. He offered me His love as an identifier and His presence as a refuge. 

For nine months I was pounded down with aloneness, yet I have felt no sweeter companionship. God showed me who He was and who I was in Him. 

My sister is home now and lovingly sharing her life with me, but not everything lost has been returned. Some things God took away and kept. When they retreat it hurts, but God remains my lover in loneliness and is pleased to fill my emptiness with a passion for Him.

"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.'"-- Isaiah 41:13

Thoughts on Purity

WARNING: This post is honest. The little homeschooled voice inside me is telling me not to talk about this cause it's too awkward. Purity? Ah! Leave that to the married mother of ten on the outside looking in! But here is where my heart is wrestling on this issue, so give me grace and give me your insights, I would love to hear from you!

Purity. A word that has been in my vocabulary as long as I can remember. As ever present in my mind as the "purity ring" on my finger. I am learning what it might actually mean-- beyond the taboo and courtship rules-- only recently.

It must capture more than merely my body. More than his body. Purity must overcome more than sex-- It overcomes sight.

It means seeing those of opposite gender for who they really are as children of God.

This man whose hand you long to hold is so much more than a masculine figure to lead you down the sidewalk. He is a spiritual leader navigating life for himself and for his future wife. More than a broad chest to lean upon, he is a human of broad interests who needs you to lean into that with intention and understanding. Instead of just lips to lovingly kiss your forehead, he is a heart being touched by the grace of God every day.

Know him fully. Not just his manhood, but his sonship.

One day at the proper time you may be blessed with being able to hold his hand or rest your head on his shoulder. Physical attraction lived out in healthy ways can definitely be God-honoring. And that ultimate physical intimacy reserved only for marriage is one of the most beautiful pictures of unity and the love of Christ and the church this world can offer. It is such a good gift. But all these things come second to seeing him better. Second to seeing him as more than just his physical attributes.

Purity is not the absence of sex drive. It is not looking away and paying penance for our sin. It is looking better. It is letting God speak into our vision of the person before us, borrowing the gaze of this man's creator and redeemer. Truly seeing is putting away your self-interest to really see that person of God for who they are.

"I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness." -- Isaiah 61:10

"Glorify God with me; let us exalt his name together." -- Psalm 34:3

Waiting for What?

"I am tired of waiting." Every girl has said it at one time or another. Young or old our hearts long for love. I remember being 14 and being tired of my singleness. I don't think 14 year-olds count as single, they are just too young for a boyfriend. But blame it on how we are designed or Disney, we crave companionship from a very young age.

I've liked several boys in my life. I've thought and thought and thought trying to decide whether I wanted to give my heart to these boys. I thought so much I may as well have committed my affections I was so invested mentally and emotionally through my contemplation.

The same phrase came up over and over again,"I am tired of waiting." Waiting for someone decent to come around. Waiting for that certain someone to like you back. Waiting to walk down the aisle and mutually confess unconditional love. Our hearts yearn for this, but our hearts have not been quenched.

Romance is addicting and alluring. Little girls are infatuated with it and it makes big girls cynical. It is not a nonsensical obsession, we are made to be attracted to the opposite sex and seek pure communion with others. But has our focus on romance destroyed our friendships?

What are we really waiting for? We think we like this boy so we need him to like us back and ask us out so we can be in a relationship. So we can get what we are waiting for. But, in a way, don't we already have them? We know them, we get to spend time with them. Why is this not enough? Why can't we allow relationships to grow without a definite destination? 

Relationships do not get their value by destination, but the beauty is in the journey. Even marriage, the closest human relationship anyone can experience, is by no means a destination. It is just a different stage in a journey of constant self-sacrifice and humbling oneself in order to serve and know another person.

I am not waiting to reach a destination. I am not waiting for prince charming to ride up on his horse, open his eyes to see that I am his Cinderella, and take me away to his castle. I am complete in Christ and I am blessed with many great friends, boys and girls, who I love journeying with.