Winter

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace." -- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

From February 4,  when winter is feeling far too long and far too cold:

At the beginning of this week I was struggling. The stress and loneliness were crippling. I was tired in every way, but then so was everyone else. What made my problems harder than theirs? What gave me the right call a struggle what we all must call life? I silenced it. But that made my heart hurt all the more.

Then the snow came.

Art that I Want to Emulate

Rose With Thorns- This girl makes me so excited because I get to know her. I get to live across the hall from her and take classes with her. I am inspired not only by her amazing writing and her success and ambition, but her content never ceases to encourage me and inspire me. She writes with terrific honesty and insight. She delves into subjects most people ignore and says the things I never knew I needed to hear, but now I can't imagine how I could live without out them.

Chatting at the Sky- You guys! Emily Freeman e-mailed me! I sent her an e-mail over spring break letting her know her writing has inspired me and I had almost forgotten about it when one day I checked my e-mail and there it was. I stood up and did a happy dance and plan on printing it out as a reminder of how I want to write and who I am serving. There may be critics, I will probably be my worst one, but I am living my art for God, not myself so I cannot give up out of discouragement.

Sarah Katherine- Happy Birthday, friend! I am sooo thankful for having the opportunity to know her! She moved to Des Moines last fall and went to my church helping with youth group and leading a Bible study for the girls. She showed me that even in a brief time, you can make a substantial impact if you make yourself available. She has encouraged me in what I do and taught me so much. She is full of wisdom and willingness to be honest. 

Susan Hunt- I have only read on of her books so far, but I learned so much! I love her commitment to explaining and applying the Word of God. Her writing is one of the main reasons I changed my major to include biblical studies. I have no interest in encouraging or inspiring people if my words are not echoes of what God says and do not point to my readers to the value in their life as it fits into God's story for redeeming the world. She also showed me the dignity in women's ministry. A year ago I was constantly wrestling with the fact that, as a woman, I am limited in who I can address with authority in my writing. But after doing her Becoming a True Woman While You Still Have a Curfew study, I am discovering the beauty and importance of being a female and uncovering a desire for my writing to speak directly to Christian woman. 

I am so thankful for the part these woman have played in my life. I hope on day, by God's grace, I will be able to touch, teach, and inspire others how in the way they have in my life.

into the unknown

 Everyone comes into college with a plan. The first week I was here I got asked the same questions over and over again: "What is your major? What would you like to do with that?" For me, the answers to these two questions always seemed to have a disconnect. My major is Professional Writing (think journalism, business writing, technical writing), but my passion is to write devotionals, books, and articles for young women about how God's grace embraces their lives and what that looks like everyday as we work in every pursuit.

This disconnect combined with my utter love for my Bible class and boredom in my professional writing classes has caused me to seriously consider switching my major to something more suited to my hopes for future vocation.

But what about my terrible blogging record these past few months? If this is really my "passion" shouldn't I be producing a lot more of that kind of writing?

There is a lot of doubt concerning my future in more areas than one. All my plans have been confused and I am discovering passions I hadn't paid attention to before.

It is a weird feeling for a planner to not be able to set up five year goals or even a goal for the end of the week. Yet through my lack of organization, God has taught me the sweetest lesson about trusting Him for each day.

 I don't know what I want to do with my major anymore, I don't even know what my major will be next semester, but I know today my job is to love and minister to everyone I interact with. I am learning to die to myself and trust God. I don't want to leave a legacy, I want Jesus to be magnified so no one else is visible, just Him and His grace.

Blessed Beyond Compare

Being here at school I feel like my spiritual growth is on fast forward. I am learning so much every day it is hard to keep up. I don't know if I will ever be able to write out everything I have learned in this first month, but one thing I am certain of for today: we have been blessed beyond compare.

It is getting cold here in Minnesota. Yesterday was in the mid-50s, and today my first steps out of the dorm were frigid. Yet by the time I left chapel, the sun was peaking through the clouds turning the gloomy cold into a stunning display of changing seasons. Fall is on it's way!

I was also able to talk to my cross country coach this morning. First I interviewed him for the school paper, then he interviewed me about how I am doing with my training. I was amazed at how he was able to bring both conversations back to God. Coming into the season I was afraid nothing would be able to compare to my amazing high school sports experience, but God has blessed me with another Christ-centered coach and a team I am proud to be apart of.

My next stop was a breakout chapel with several orientation groups. We looked through Ephesians for evidence of our identity in Christ. I was encouraged to hear my classmates and friends speak passionately about God's love for them.

Some days here are challenging. There have been many times I have questioned my adequacy for dealing with it all. But God has been faithfully reminding me that He is the one who will equip me. And that He will bless me and those around me in ways I couldn't even have asked for.

If it had been cloudy and gloomy today, I would have survived. I would have gone about my work and not complained about the lack of sun. But God blessed me with sunshine. He gifted me even when I didn't ask for it. He is undoubtedly a gracious Father.

Joy

A few days ago, as I was whizzing through Des Moines on the illuminated interstate, my heart suddenly filled with joy. I don't know why I got so excited in that moment, but I rolled with it. I cranked up the volume on the radio and sang like no one was listening.

The next day, I tried to record my experience in my journal. But suddenly I felt guilty for being ok. For being better than ok! I had genuine thankfulness and I couldn't find it in me to admit it. I was scared of offending those who were hurting. How dare I smile and sing and be glad when people are suffering? When there is death, sin, rejection, and abandonment in this world?

Was I forgetting that the Christian life should be characterized by joy?

Strength

Sometimes my dreams teach me a lot about myself. I don't believe they can be weirdly interpreted, but it is what is subconsciously in my brain so, occasionally, I pay attention. For example, last night I dreamed I was walking down the street ran into Justin Bieber  (VERY likely scenario ;))! I just gave him a quick hug and talked a bit, but, for some reason, the brief exchange deeply inspired him. He was so moved by me that he decided to change his life around and the dream ended with me bidding him farewell as his limousine headed to rehab.

Anyway! Maybe this was just a result of reading too many articles about the pop star's sad decline, but I think it also proved something about me. I really want to save people. I want to be the strong one for people to lean on and I want to be able to conquer the world. After all, who doesn't want to be powerful? Is there anyone who doesn't want a great life that inspires others?

Unfortunately, this "togetherness" is not a reality in my life. The truth is, I am weak in almost every way. I get so upset every time I break down. Why do I have such little control of my life?

Maybe it is cause I'm human? I was reading Mark today and came across the story of a father whose son was possessed by an unclean spirit. The father begs Jesus to save his son who is literally being destroyed by the spirit. The boy has been this way since childhood and no one has been able to cure him; the situation seems out of control. The father has no strength to save his son and Jesus is his last hope. He asked Jesus, if He can, to have compassion and heal the boy. Jesus replies with, "All things are possible for the one who believes."  So the weak father exclaims the famous, "I believe; help my unbelief!" The father has been given his strength: Faith in the power of Christ. Jesus heals the boy. (Mark 9:14-29)

Many of us feel like the father most of the time. We want to make everything better, but we are faced with the reality of our weakness. We look everywhere for help, finally falling before Jesus and begging Him to save us. We would do anything He told us to do if only it would fix it all. But the command Christ gives us is strange: Believe. Even this is hard for us, but we pray God will take our meager faith and do great things. He does. Jesus Christ renews even the most helpless situations, He is our strength in weakness. Our lives will never be so perfect that they will transform others, but luckily, it is not our life we are looking to and Jesus' life does inspire and it does bring change and His new life does save.

"Then they said to Him, 'What must we do, to be doing the works of God?' Jesus answered them, 'This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent.'"-- John 6:28-29

Sincerely, the Socially Awkward Homeschooler

Dear Naive Society,

Hi! My name is Megan. I am a senior in high school. No, I don't go to the public schools near by, not even the Christian school. I'm homeschooled. Does that surprise you?  When my older sister used to tell people she was homeschooled they would reply with, "But you are so normal!"  When I tell people I am homeschooled they respond more like, "Ohhhh. Now it makes sense!" This is because I am quiet, fairly naive, and often a good dose of awkward among my peers and when people discover I have been homeschooled my whole life, they finally have something to blame it on. After all, how could I have been socialized?

Well, actually, I have been given as many opportunities to socialize as anyone. I go to church, work, sports practices, and youth group on a weekly basis plus a decent amount of just hanging out with friends. I have also reaped social skills in these situations by needing to seek out my friends. I don't get to know people by going to school with them everyday since kindergarten, so I have to ask questions to learn about those around me. Not to mention what I've learned from needing to be intentional about socializing and learning to plan my own events rather than just seeing my friends at school tomorrow or having every weekend filled with school activities. Being homeschooled has not crippled me socially, but caused me to pursue friendships with more intention.

Yet, regardless of my many opportunities and the wealth of social skills that they foster, I would still consider myself a little awkward. This isn't because I was isolated growing up or because I don't have friends, it is because that is just my personality. I am introverted, quiet, quirky, naive, and unstylish. I would be this way if I went to a public school, private school, or sea school! Yes, I am awkward, but blame it on me, not my education.

Sincerely,

The Socially Awkward Homeschooler

P.S. This is not an angry rant by any means! I am not trying to claim homeschoolers have worse or better social skills, but simply calling to mind that they have equal opportunities to socialize as anyone else. I am simply saying that social skills have a lot less to do with where you go to school and a lot more to do with individual personalities. I am not being bitter in the title, just stating a fact that I am awkward and I am homeschooled, but I don't think one flows from the other :)

Christmas Anticipation

It is that time of year when we are all chugging coffee, icing our wrists, and stretching our aching backs as we prepare to take those lovely finals. As we draw our learning days to a close (at least for a few weeks...), we also anticipate Christmas. However, for some reason, between re-taking the ACT and studying for finals, my December hasn't been super Christmassy. This year, I am doing my shopping last minute, have realized  I hate most Christmas music, and haven't had time to see even one Christmas movie! But I have been reading the Old Testament for a Bible class.

All semester I have been reading about how God called, made a covenant with , and has been faithful to His people, despite all their unfaithfulness. Now I have come to the prophets. They tell of judgement to come through the exile, but also of a Messiah who will fulfill God's promises and renew the nations. Then, this morning, I woke up to my sister playing Christmas carols. All the sudden, I was filled with the same anticipation as the Jews had. The Messiah! He is coming! Now is the time!

So, really, this year I am celebrating Christmas the most because I fully understand it. God's story does not begin in the stable, it climaxes there. All my previous Christmases I have missed the thousand years of waiting that came before this little baby's birth. Jesus coming into the world was God fulfilling His final promise, and I can't wait to celebrate!

"And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD." -- Hosea 3:19-20

"And the angel said to them, 'Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find the baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,

'Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!'"-- Luke 2:10-14

Rejoice

Rejection is painful. It burns in my eyes, heart, and pit of my stomach. It makes me want to change myself to become worthy. Ruining my day. Making me want to run away. Filling me with anger, hurt, and confusion.

Rejection makes me want to curl up in a cave of fear and isolation. It makes me forget the overflowing joy my life has.

I wrote a post a while back about God having only the best planned for me. I have to remind myself of this truth in times of rejection. I have to know that the absences causing me pain are NOT God rejecting me, but Him protecting me. It hurts at the moment, but I know God does not withhold any good thing from His children. He loves me and has blessed me in immeasurable ways, which He graciously magnifies in times of brokenness. 

When we are rejected, it is tempting to retreat and mull it over. Which to some extent it is good to take times like these to evaluate where you're dependence lies: In the opinions of a valued friend or in the opinion of God. Yet, we must force ourselves to go on with life. Just because one person abandoned you, does not mean you are abandoned. There are most likely many people who love you and value who you are without alterations. So in this time of rejection, choose to rejoice. Rejoice in the joy and fun and love that your life is full of. Look forward to opportunities that are available, not lost. And, most importantly, know that God has given you acceptance that outweighs all the rejection this world can throw at us.

The God Who Suffers With Us

I'm learning more each day that I am not called to live the American Dream. For most of my life I have wanted nothing more to get married, have kids, build a house with a picket fence, and go through life as a nice little Christian girl. I want to have a good reputation. I want to be looked up to. I want to be needed. And I want to throw Jesus in, although He won't really need to save me because I'll be perfect.

This is probably why I am so devastated when things don't go on perfectly. This is why I have been trying to avoid real life and stay in my little bubble. Yet God is popping my bubble and throwing struggle and suffering right in my face till I run away terrified because this is movie material, not my life.

As I flea, blinded by tears, I bump into my Father "It is scary isn't it?" He asks, "But this is life. This is what real people go through and I didn't call you to hide from it, I called you to meet it head on." Jesus' life wasn't behind a picket fence, it was on the front lines fighting for souls-- this is how He calls us to live.

This life is a struggle. There is a battle going on between the flesh and the spirit. Christ secured victory in the cross and we are experiencing His grace daily in His peace, however, this world is still in turmoil and will be until Christ returns to re-create it. We need to stop running away from affliction. During His time on earth, Christ willingly took on the suffering of others, meeting with those in the poorest conditions physically, emotionally, and spiritually. People who many of us would just ignore because they are "too much" and make us uncomfortable. But Jesus loved them and took on their pain and sin, bearing it on the cross. Christ suffered more than any of us, as imitators of Him we must not expect anything less than suffering. This starts when we stop beautifying the cross and understand it as the agony that it was. Jesus was beaten and slain by His countrymen, He was denied and abandoned by friends, He had His legitimacy questioned,  and His Father rejected Him. He suffered these things in love.

It would be easy for me to just avoid the human struggle I am witnessing. It would be easy to relax in the comfort of my happy home. To tuck myself away to build my good little image that is free of scars and weathering. But if I do, I can't confess to Christ that I really, really need Him and that, in actuality, I am doing a horrible job of being perfect. And if I hide away, I will miss an opportunity to join my Savior in loving hard people who need Him just as much as I do.

The picket fence looks nice, I really do love to hear those cheery kids giggle, and my husband kissing my cheek as I bake a pie sounds perfect. But I would much rather be where Jesus is.

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord. For His sake, I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ."-- Philippians 3:7-8

The Mundane

I never thought it would happen to me. "Senioritis?" I thought, "Never! I am much to passionate to just live my life without any emotion poured into it!”

I spoke too soon.

This year has given me an overall "blah" feeling. Stress and life have stripped me of a lot of my enthusiasm. I have learned so much and I would not trade the last year for anything. Through it I have grown up  and acquired a new perspective on who I am and who God is. Also, a lot of really great things have happened and I have had moments of pure bliss! But, part of being a grown up is being rational. It is learning to go through every day without a burning desire to study or go to work or reach out to others.

These days, I go through the motions but I am never fulfilled.

Yet a couple weeks ago, I did some research for a school project and came across this quote by John Piper, “Our lives are shot through with longings. Fasting is an expression of our conviction that it is sin to be satisfied with ourselves as we are.”

Shot through with longings. Shot through with realizing nothing on this earth will ever fulfill me. Shot through with the awareness that I don’t fit here. 

This world, even at its best, fails to fulfill me. Thankfully, it is not supposed to.

On this earth, I am separated from my Creator. I can experience the little blessings of catching fireflies, finishing a journal, holding my nephew's hand, listening to Philip Philips, gazing at the stars, experiencing a live concert, riding a bike at sunset, laughing till my stomach hurts, drinking a chai latte, running in the pouring rain, eating a really good piece of cheesecake, and feeling the first snowflake of winter on my tongue. In these things, we often say we “get a taste of heaven.” But a taste can’t fulfill our desire. Our bridegroom has not yet come. To be satisfied in these things would be like showing a bride a picture of her husband-to-be and saying, “Okay. You got a taste of him. Can we cancel the wedding and the rest of your lives together?” The poor girl would say, “Heck, no! I'm marrying this man!”

Life can be beautiful. But sometimes it is unappealing (Notice that reading about quantum mechanics wasn’t on my list of blessings!). But, in these times, we know that we are engaged to be married. We know, before long, we will finally be able to have a relationship with God that has no restrictions. We will be with Him, really with Him, for eternity.

In this we find joy to face the mundane. We find a gleam of hope to set our eyes on, a reason to smile-- to beam!—because our bride groom is coming.

“So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.” – John 16:22

Responsibility in Writing

Up until a week ago, only one person read my blog. I sort of liked it that way. I could write and share pictures and recipes and I was the only person who saw it. I could express myself freely, without being afraid of saying anything embarrassing. But this private expression slowly became insufficient. The more I invested in my little corner of the internet, the more I wanted people to see my contribution. So I took a terrifying step and shared the link on my facebook.

To be honest, I probably have about the same amount of readers as before, but the idea that now people have access to my thoughts adds a lot of pressure.

 I have lost freedom because I have this goal for my writing. Writing is what I want to do for the rest of my life but, unlike most aspiring writers, I do not want to write novels or short stories, I want to compose non-fiction. But, unlike most non-fiction writers, I don't really want to write for businesses... Writing for the back of coffee cans is very unappealing to me. I desire to write life-shaping truth. Not that fiction can't contain truth or business writing isn't important-- I couldn't disagree more! I love a good book with a thought provoking theme and recognize the importance of good writers in every field of work. Yet I feel God has given me a desire to spread the message of the gospel in writing. He has called us all to share the gospel and live entirely for Him, I think for me, this calling is specifically and primarily in writing. Not to say this won't change. I don't think seventeen years is enough time to determine the specific calling for the next seventy years. However, despite college advisers advertising the masses of money that can be made by technical writers and the benefit of such people on society, I have remained stubborn on this point. I keep coming back to my one goal of declaring truth. So, until I feel God is pulling me in another direction, I will try to actively communicate truth in an attractive, effective way without being manipulative.

Before I shared my blog, I was trying to communicate truth, but no one would know if I messed up somewhere. Today, someone would know. This adds a lot of pressure. Even though I know no one will probably take me as much of an authority, I am terrified one of my "big discoveries" will not be in line with the Word of God or will be misunderstood due to sloppy writing. Ever since I let people know I write, I have been hesitant to do so. Yet I have this goal... This desire to glorify God by using my passion to share the love I have for my Savior. So how will I do these things in my insufficiency?

Scripture and Prayer.

To speak truth, I must read truth. If I want to properly share the gospel, I must be saturated in scripture. I must read it and strive to understand it and my every thought must be put to the test with God's Word. I must also pray for God to work in my heart and reveal truth to me. Only God can makes my thoughts and my words worth while. To fulfill my purpose, I must depend entirely on God and come before Him as a vessel dedicated to His use.

After these things, I must simply trust the Holy Spirit living in me to be enough. I cannot guarantee I will always say things perfectly, I will make many mistakes and continue to fear hitting the "publish" button. Yet I think this hesitance is good to an extent. I never ever want to take lightly the things that God has designed, and I think understanding and sharing them is a task that should be taken with seriousness. However, the Bible is full of stories of God investing His awesome message into men who are nowhere near qualified to share it. No human has ever been is worthy of the gospel or eloquent enough to do it justice. Yet God delights in using His weak children to show the strength of the gospel, and I hope He will delight in using me in all my insufficiency.

Finally, I wish to keep my writing pure by encouraging those who read it to be consistently critiquing it. Whether it be the point I am presenting or the way I am presenting it, if I misrepresent what God has said in His Word, I want you to tell me. There is a comment section for a reason! Or, if you are more comfortable, e-mail me or talk to me about it in person. I think I have adequately expressed my desire to properly represent God's Word and I hope you all keep me accountable to that, because that is my goal-- in my writing and my life.

"Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name." - Psalm 86:11

Holding On and Letting Go ~ The Struggle

The most terrifying thing in the world-- letting go. For the first time in my life I have to wonder instead of know.

You would think millions of miles would have been letting go enough. But it isn't. Physical distance is just a hurdle, emotional distance is a wall. A wall I can't go over, can't go under, can't go around. I can only sit, back leaned up against the wall, and think about this sever. It isn't a bad thing, it is natural, good. So why do I hate it? Am I just selfish? Is it that I don't want to be forgotten? or do I really genuinely care about them and miss THEM?

It is too hard to decipher. All I know is that it is scary. It is unknown. I don't like it.

Letting go begs the question... If I let go, will I ever be able to grab back on? Or will they walk so far away I will never see them again?

These questions are scary, especially when the answer is that they will walk away. There are things I will never know. But, for those who follow God, who walk in His spirit, we are never far off. Distance, time, whatever the barrier, we are on the same road with the same goal. There can never be a complete sever for those seeking Christ and His Kingdom. Even though we can't always walk together and have walls that seem to separate us, we have the same destination.

Why Do I Run?

Last night I had a disappointment.  I missed going to state by one step. I came in second in my 800 by six hundredths of a second. It was discouraging...  It was probably the best chance I had out of my whole high school  track career, and I missed it by .06 seconds. First, I wanted to cry... I had those regrets, I knew I could have done something to make my foot first across the finish line. I replayed the last 50 yards in my head, trying to pinpoint the flaw in my technique that caused me to fail. Fail. That is what I was tempted to believe. I missed my chance and let down my  team, coaches, parents,and myself. Then I realized what I'd actually done. I ran 3 seconds faster than I had all year, beating my personal best and the school record. I ran my race harder than I've ever run before, and my time showed it. If I had run my usual time, I wouldn't have even been second. I would have come in fifth or something.

My coach had me run an easy 20-30 minutes today just in case my time is in the top twelve of the 1A 800 runners who didn't win their heat and I am still able to go to state. During that run I was able to reflect and ask myself why I run.

Before track season, I read this book, Running Dream, about an amazing 400 runner who loses her leg in a car accident. It was really inspiring and has completely changed how I run. It also made me paranoid for a while that I would lose my leg and never run again... :/ ANYWAY. In this book, the main character, Jessica, is asked whether she loves running or racing. Jessica and I both never considered this question.  Then track season came and I claimed racing. The 800 is so much more than running fast, it is how you run the race. Sprinting the first hundred to seal your spot in the front, pacing your first lap, knowing your competition and what kind of kick they have. It is so unlike running on your own. Nonetheless, today I had to reconsider my answer to Running Dream's question.

Spring Time!

Spring is finally here! I celebrated Sunday with a long walk and ice cream with my sister. Yes. Summer, you are welcome whenever.

But... First we must finish school... Study music anyone? 

Doing Your Best

Do your best. What an overused phrase. What does it even mean? I have actually been putting a seemingly significant amount of thought into this phrase over the past year. You'd be surprised at how much inner conflict I have been experiencing because of these words.

This phrase seems to be thrown out at every nervous test-taker, athlete, employee, you name it. It just sounds like a good encouragement, "Don't worry about your score, just, you know, do your best." I'm reminded of the P90X motto, "Do your best and forget the rest." But... your "best" isn't really measurable. I suppose that is why it is such an appealing concept, it is just kind of something you work towards, no one can tell you you didn't reach your personal "best." Yet its unmeasurability bothers me beyond expression. For the longest time I thought my best was almost unachievable. If  I didn't win a race in track and someone tried to comforting me with, "Well, you did your best," in my mind I would say back , "No, not really. I could have trained harder... ran extra laps at practice, ate healthier, got more sleep, I could have done something to get closer to my truly best." I never felt like I put in all I could to get the best time. Before the race or during. The brutal truth is you always recover from a race. Those minutes when you finally get your breath back and your legs stop feeling like jello are the most regret filled minutes of the experience. You have that gnawing feeling that you should have pushed it harder on that final stretch. Sure, it felt like you were wasted while you were facing that head wind, but now you have energy again, you aren't as spent as you remember. 

These aren't just feelings associated with track. In every area I can probably work a little harder. The encouragement of just "doing your best" has turned into an impossible mission to reach my absolute potential, find my "best." Honestly, I don't think I've reached the point where I can do my best, as a runner, student, friend, daughter, or sister. I could work a lot harder in every area of my life. So does that mean I should? Should I spend every waking hour of the rest of my life trying to reach that goal of my "best"? Sorry, but that doesn't sound very fun. I don't think my life would be its "best" if that was how I was living it. So what do we do when this phrase is thrown around? 

The first thing is not to be afraid of doing our best. I know this seems weird seeing as I just dissected and discarded the worth of this phrase, but bear with me. Tonight an elder from my church talked to the youth group and told us if he could tell his younger self anything it would be not to be afraid of doing his best. He said we often fear putting forth our maximum effort because, what happens if we do our best and our best isn't good enough? How do we deal with that? If you don't feel the catastrophic effect of that idea, go back and read it again because that should put some amount of fear into every ego. If we never do our best we can't really fail, because we didn't really try. If we don't come in first it isn't because we weren't good enough, it was because we chose not to be good enough. There is security in never trying to reach full potential, if we never reach we never fall when we aren't tall enough. 

The next thing Mr. Jackson said was, "The effort is ours, the result is God's." Can this phrase just replace "Do your best"? It shouldn't be our best we're focused on anyway; I have been born again into Christ, He is where I find my identity. I don't find my value in the allusive "best I can be" but in Christ. He is the best! He is enough! He is my identity! Yes, I can work harder and, if I do, I will become better. However, I will exhaust myself trying to reach my absolute "best." Rather, I should work not be afraid of my best failing and know that Christ's sufficiency will catch me when I don't reach the standards. All I can do is put forth effort and trust God to bring the right results. Results shaped out of the sincere love of a father who knows the plans He has for me go beyond getting an A on a test and winning a race.

Beauty

A few nights ago my friend and I took a walk with our dogs. We were gone for about two hours and it was one of the best spent two hours of the week. One of the subjects we covered was beauty and what it means to be beautiful. Every time I talk to Emily about this she gives me a much deeper understanding of what beauty really means.

It seems like an ever-present question on girls' minds: what is beauty? It is defined so many ways by so many people; unfortunately, most girls borrow their definition from TV and Pinterest where skinny bodies, clear skin, gorgeous hair, and being followed by men is beautiful. Whether we want it to or not, this definition of beauty has influenced how we see ourselves and others. I am no exception, I am constantly comparing myself to other girls and am painfully aware of my weight and the effect of food on my weight. These kind of thoughts push a lot of girls into unhealthy behavior; both the thoughts and the behavior become addicting. Thankfully, I have a good friend who whips me back to the truth whenever I get too far into these thoughts rather than God's. What she says and how she lives is beneficial to all girls and women.

Before a few weeks ago I did not believe confidence could be beautiful. I had it ingrained into my head that to follow God's call to humility, you had to think yourself ugly and incompetent. Disliking yourself was how you put others ahead. Emily let me know how wrong I was. By hating myself, I was hating God's creation and putting myself on a path to hating His other creations. The thing about finding flaws in yourself is that you will begin to find flaws in other things or grow contempt for the things that don't have flaws. God showed me how truly unhumble I have been. The effort it took to hate myself was effort spent only on me, not on working to meet the needs of others. Instead He has given me two beautiful and confident role models as best friends. 

Emily and Julia are both beautiful, and they both know it. In the One Direction song, "What Makes You Beautiful", beauty is portrayed as not knowing your beauty, these girls showed me how wrong that is. Neither one of these ladies goes around bragging about how beautiful and funny they are. They don't think they are better than everyone else, they are simply comfortable in their own skin. They acknowledge that God made them and called them good (Genesis 1). They simply have confidence. This may be an area where my written words are less sufficient than if I were talking to you verbally, because I think you really just need to spend a day with these girls to see how well they have balanced confidence and humility so that they can serve others instead of wasting time hating something beautiful. 

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less." - C.S. Lewis

"I praise you because I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." -Psalm 139:14

The Foolish Shames the Wise

I've realized lately, that the people with all the right answers aren't always the people with the right heart or the right actions. Sometimes it is the people who are rough around the edges and a little questionable who actually treat people with respect and give them grace. Maybe it is because they know what it is like to be looked down upon, they know what it is like to be in the darkness and can sympathize.

Notes:

*I know this isn't true universally, there are plenty of polished Christians who also genuinely care about people and treat them with respect. Lately, I have just been faced with a lot of the truth behind not judging a book by its cover and this is influencing my thoughts.
*Also, I know that this is short and kind of shadowy, but it is a school night, so I am not going to expound :)

Perfect in Weakness

Do you ever think about how weak you are? How weak we are? We don't have much control, do we? Some things we have power over-- we can create bombs and visit other planets, that sounds pretty powerful. But how much power do we really have? I don't know many puberty struck teenagers who would say they feel in control. Face it, we are weak. We are merely humans and the things we can't control outweigh the things we hold power over. These thoughts might make you to curl up in a ball and beg for mercy from this all-powerful universe that controls everything and gives you no say in life. Well, I'm not sure that is the best response, but fear is inevitable. Being out of control is scary. Being weak is  terrifying.

I've noticed lately that a lot of people in our culture I've acknowledge this utter weakness and  lack of control. They want to be able to do something, but know they are inadequate. No matter how hard we try, we can't fix the world's problems. People are still dying, wars are still fought, and disasters still happen. It is obvious that humans are not strong enough. But where does that leave us? Doomed? Well, left to our own minuscule strength--yes. Humans cannot fix the world.

Fortunately, humans aren't the whole story. It is like a superhero movie when the townspeople are being attacked by the villain and have no hope of defeating the evil. Then in flies Superman to save the day! But what we have is better than Superman. We have the one who created humans and rules over everything with perfect strength and wisdom. He is all-powerful, able to defeat whatever He wants. He is also all-loving. Loving of you and me. What does all-powerful and all-loving equal? Sovereign. God knows are weakness, even better than we do; He also wants what is best for us. So even in our weakness, we can trust that God will work all things together for the good of those who love Him. When we love God, we are able to claim our weakness, trusting in the power of our Creator who works on our behalf. Bad things will still happen, but God will always be victorious. I am reminded of a line from my worldviews class, "The story of the world is a story of sin doing its best and failing." That one sentence speaks to all weakness and all power.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Note: I realize a post on power and weakness is a big topic to tackle, too big for my ability. However, I went ahead and wrote one anyway. I've realized what a dilemma those who do not trust in God are in and that our world is crying out for answers. It gives me joy and peace to be able to find my answers in Jesus. So even though my thoughts are incomplete, I hope they lead you to scripture, which is complete. I hope you can be encouraged to know there is one stronger than you who is working on your behalf, and He will always be victorious.

Typewriters

 My typewriter. I've clacked many thoughts out on that typewriter! Every turning point in my life has been prominently cataloged with that typewriter. Recently, I organized all these papers covered in ideas, feelings, and typos. As I read them chronologically, I began to pick out the little phrases of each that encompassed all the ideas of the page and emotions leading to its creation. Each page is so different from its companions. Some are happy, some are sad. Some are hopeful, some are cynical. Collectively, they are the story of my life. But they also give proof to a much greater story. They are all illustrations of love. God's love. These pages, typed in times of deep distress and moments of overwhelming excitement, are changing. But they give evidence of an unchanging, everlasting love. In my brightest moments, God was there. In my darkest moments, God was there. God was-- is-- always there loving me. That doesn't change. Even when we are unpredictable and are changing everyday, God will always be in loving control. I get chills when I think about His continual presence! In the midst of this confusing, unpredictable world, it is comforting to know that we can always count on the love of God.


"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you."-- Psalm 63:3