Do You Remember?

I love memories. I didn't plaster my closet door with pictures because I like to cut and tape things. I did it because I love to remember those good moments in life when you realize you have it good.

Then there's that moment when a memory doesn't come with warm fuzzies, but an ache because it is based on the unchangeable past. Like the fact that I have tried to relive my childhood memories in un-opportune times. The debates I held onto, later to realize I was wrong and it is too late to reassure my opponent I'm not an idiot. The regret of clicking “send” and wishing you could erase it (I love the “revert to draft” button). The question that should have been left unasked. Those things that, looking back on, you realize make you look flirtatious, ignorant, and sinful.

The memories I put on my closet door are lovely, but haven't captured those ugly moments I keep locked up. I weed out the humiliating so I can create a picture of my life that I like. And, most of the time, I believe that is the life I'm living; when, in reality, my life is full of mistakes and character flops.

Yet, what makes me classify them as worth hiding now, when, at one time, I liked the idea so much that I did it?

Because I have learned since their occurrence that such actions are not consistent to how I want to be portrayed to the world. Maybe that realization came years later-- I used to acknowledge a certain memory as amusing, now I regret it. Or maybe it hits instantaneously. Whatever it is, the reason some past words or actions are disconcerting is because I have learned through them. I have been humiliated by that action once and have decided it would be bad to repeat it. Not to say that I don't repeat my mistakes. I repeat them again and again, that is why I hate them! But through these uncomfortable memories... I learn.

However, this does not mean someone didn't witness such actions and might be judging me right now because of them. That is the hard part. Because they don’t know whether or not I regret it, they just know I did it. So the thoughts flood in that no one will love someone who said this or acted that way. I reduce my value because I messed up and people saw it. Not that this is all bad—it is good to be humbled every now and then, but we must remember it is the past and can’t define us now (excuse the cliché!).

 “Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good.” –Psalm 25:7