Tuesday, February 24, 2015

fear.

I have never been more aware of my introvertedness than on a college campus. As much as I love being surrounded by my friends all the time, I often feel worn out and need to find space to recharge on my own. Although this can feel like a weakness, I come alive in my alone time. This is when my creativity thrives and I feel most comfortable.

However, I cannot be alone all the time (nor do I want to be) and these are the times when being an introvert petrifies me. I walk as fast as I can to my classes so no one will see me and I won't have to go through the awkward decisions of whether to say hi or just keep walking. Then I get to my class as late as possible to avoid having to make small talk before it starts. The rest of  the class I try to learn, but am continually being drained of the energy it takes to be surrounded by people I don't really know.

I worry others will think I am antisocial and rude. I watch my extrovert friends light up the room when they enter as I shrink back into the corner to observe the busyness.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

I'm Gonna Make This Place Your Home

I miss my home... Two days ago I wouldn't have been able to say that.

I anticipated being extremely homesick at college. My parents and sisters are my best friends and I have two nephews and a niece that grow up way too fast. I knew being four hours away would kill me, so I was pleasantly surprised when my fall consisted of very few emotional breakdowns. But this month has made up for it.

Spring semester has been harder than fall semester in almost every way.  At the root of it all is a desire to be at home, and a denial of actual homesickness.

 I day dream about standing next to my mom with our backs facing the fireplace while my sisters lay on the couch and we talk for hours, having to periodically convince each other not to go to sleep just yet. This routine that I used to take for granted has become a concrete memory of a place where I knew I was loved and accepted.

However, up until last night I would not admit that I wished I were home. I knew I missed my family and was struggling, but I would not allow myself to tell anyone, including myself and God. The pretty way to describe it was a fear of burdening anyone with my hardships, they ugly way is that I am too prideful to show weakness. I am all about bearing one another's burdens as long as they aren't mine. I'll keep those to myself, thank you very much.

Turns out there is a reason God commands us to let others help us carry our burdens,