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Thursday, February 12, 2015

I'm Gonna Make This Place Your Home

I miss my home... Two days ago I wouldn't have been able to say that.

I anticipated being extremely homesick at college. My parents and sisters are my best friends and I have two nephews and a niece that grow up way too fast. I knew being four hours away would kill me, so I was pleasantly surprised when my fall consisted of very few emotional breakdowns. But this month has made up for it.

Spring semester has been harder than fall semester in almost every way.  At the root of it all is a desire to be at home, and a denial of actual homesickness.

 I day dream about standing next to my mom with our backs facing the fireplace while my sisters lay on the couch and we talk for hours, having to periodically convince each other not to go to sleep just yet. This routine that I used to take for granted has become a concrete memory of a place where I knew I was loved and accepted.

However, up until last night I would not admit that I wished I were home. I knew I missed my family and was struggling, but I would not allow myself to tell anyone, including myself and God. The pretty way to describe it was a fear of burdening anyone with my hardships, they ugly way is that I am too prideful to show weakness. I am all about bearing one another's burdens as long as they aren't mine. I'll keep those to myself, thank you very much.

Turns out there is a reason God commands us to let others help us carry our burdens,
cause mine just got heavier and heavier until last night when collapsed under it in tears.

As I let myself cry, I finally admitted to God what was going on. I could feel the burden lift instantaneously. 

It wasn't that God only became aware of what was in my heart when I confessed it to him. He knows my heart more intimately than I can even imagine. But in that moment I put down my facade of strength and independence to recognize my vulnerability and helplessness and God took over.

 Four hours from my family and in the bitter cold of Minnesota I felt more at home than ever.

God taught me that no matter where I am -- on the map or with my heart -- he will never leave me. I can be comforted daily to know that all the home I need is in him, the one place I will forever be safe, loved, accepted, free to fail, and alive to grace.


"Settle down, it will all be clear. Don't pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down. If you get lost you can always be found. Just know you're not alone, cause I'm gonna make this place your home."


"So why should I worry? Why do I freak out? God knows what I need You know what I need."

2 comments:

  1. I still get homesick. There is a reason Psalm 139:7-10 has been on the wall in the boys' room.

    "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."

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    1. Psalm 139 has been such an encouragement to me while I've been at school! I read it a lot my first week of classes and God has continued to bring me back to it throughout the year when I need it most.

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