Holding On and Letting Go ~ The Struggle

The most terrifying thing in the world-- letting go. For the first time in my life I have to wonder instead of know.

You would think millions of miles would have been letting go enough. But it isn't. Physical distance is just a hurdle, emotional distance is a wall. A wall I can't go over, can't go under, can't go around. I can only sit, back leaned up against the wall, and think about this sever. It isn't a bad thing, it is natural, good. So why do I hate it? Am I just selfish? Is it that I don't want to be forgotten? or do I really genuinely care about them and miss THEM?

It is too hard to decipher. All I know is that it is scary. It is unknown. I don't like it.

Letting go begs the question... If I let go, will I ever be able to grab back on? Or will they walk so far away I will never see them again?

These questions are scary, especially when the answer is that they will walk away. There are things I will never know. But, for those who follow God, who walk in His spirit, we are never far off. Distance, time, whatever the barrier, we are on the same road with the same goal. There can never be a complete sever for those seeking Christ and His Kingdom. Even though we can't always walk together and have walls that seem to separate us, we have the same destination.

Why Do I Run?

Last night I had a disappointment.  I missed going to state by one step. I came in second in my 800 by six hundredths of a second. It was discouraging...  It was probably the best chance I had out of my whole high school  track career, and I missed it by .06 seconds. First, I wanted to cry... I had those regrets, I knew I could have done something to make my foot first across the finish line. I replayed the last 50 yards in my head, trying to pinpoint the flaw in my technique that caused me to fail. Fail. That is what I was tempted to believe. I missed my chance and let down my  team, coaches, parents,and myself. Then I realized what I'd actually done. I ran 3 seconds faster than I had all year, beating my personal best and the school record. I ran my race harder than I've ever run before, and my time showed it. If I had run my usual time, I wouldn't have even been second. I would have come in fifth or something.

My coach had me run an easy 20-30 minutes today just in case my time is in the top twelve of the 1A 800 runners who didn't win their heat and I am still able to go to state. During that run I was able to reflect and ask myself why I run.

Before track season, I read this book, Running Dream, about an amazing 400 runner who loses her leg in a car accident. It was really inspiring and has completely changed how I run. It also made me paranoid for a while that I would lose my leg and never run again... :/ ANYWAY. In this book, the main character, Jessica, is asked whether she loves running or racing. Jessica and I both never considered this question.  Then track season came and I claimed racing. The 800 is so much more than running fast, it is how you run the race. Sprinting the first hundred to seal your spot in the front, pacing your first lap, knowing your competition and what kind of kick they have. It is so unlike running on your own. Nonetheless, today I had to reconsider my answer to Running Dream's question.