Why Do I Run?

Last night I had a disappointment.  I missed going to state by one step. I came in second in my 800 by six hundredths of a second. It was discouraging...  It was probably the best chance I had out of my whole high school  track career, and I missed it by .06 seconds. First, I wanted to cry... I had those regrets, I knew I could have done something to make my foot first across the finish line. I replayed the last 50 yards in my head, trying to pinpoint the flaw in my technique that caused me to fail. Fail. That is what I was tempted to believe. I missed my chance and let down my  team, coaches, parents,and myself. Then I realized what I'd actually done. I ran 3 seconds faster than I had all year, beating my personal best and the school record. I ran my race harder than I've ever run before, and my time showed it. If I had run my usual time, I wouldn't have even been second. I would have come in fifth or something.

My coach had me run an easy 20-30 minutes today just in case my time is in the top twelve of the 1A 800 runners who didn't win their heat and I am still able to go to state. During that run I was able to reflect and ask myself why I run.

Before track season, I read this book, Running Dream, about an amazing 400 runner who loses her leg in a car accident. It was really inspiring and has completely changed how I run. It also made me paranoid for a while that I would lose my leg and never run again... :/ ANYWAY. In this book, the main character, Jessica, is asked whether she loves running or racing. Jessica and I both never considered this question.  Then track season came and I claimed racing. The 800 is so much more than running fast, it is how you run the race. Sprinting the first hundred to seal your spot in the front, pacing your first lap, knowing your competition and what kind of kick they have. It is so unlike running on your own. Nonetheless, today I had to reconsider my answer to Running Dream's question.

I love racing, there is on doubt about that. I feel like dying after every race, but can't wait to do it again. But I realized something today on the trail. One day, I will graduate and my track career will be over. Am I going to give up what I love? 

Another thing, racing's goal is victory. But last night, victory was not mine. Does that mean I failed? Did I run it to win or to run?

Crossing the finish line is exhilarating. But my favorite part about the track is the fact that it is a circle. So win or lose, I am going to keep turning left and keep running, because that is what I love. I can lose a race, but nothing can stop me from running. It does more for me than keep me in shape. It reminds me I'm alive. It teaches me what hard work can do. It lets me know that I can control some things, but not everything. It draws me to praise my maker for giving me legs and lungs and passion. And, I know it sounds cheesy, but it is such a metaphor for life-- the ups and downs and the fact that you can't look back, and you can't, whatever you do, walk. You have to keep running no matter what comes your way. Hebrews 12 resonates deeper within me because I run...

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

P.S.- Sorry for the forever long post. But running and writing are my therapy, so a good therapeutic run generally calls for a long string of words to make sense of my heart. So, sorry you had to read it, but I had to write it :)