Resolving the Debate on Christian Courtship and Dating

Walking around a Christian college campus, it is easy to spot the couples. They hold hands on their way to class, he puts his arm around her in chapel, and they sit in the campus coffee shop studying their Bibles together. Just glancing at them you can’t tell the difference between those who consider their relationship a courtship and those who would say they were dating, but this was no doubt a weighty decision for them at one point.

There is an ongoing debate among Christians about which is the best way to secure a spouse: courting or dating? Courting is seen as a more conservative option characterized by the guy asking the girl’s father for permission before pursuing her romantically. The whole relationship is closely monitored by chaperones and there are strict rules limiting physical contact. Dating, in contrast, is less restricted. The boy asks the girl out how he pleases, the couple spends one on one time together, and there is less intensity and intentionality. Both have the same goal, marriage.

Christians are becoming increasingly obsessed with marriage. "Conservative Protestants, especially churchgoing conservative Protestants, [are] particularly attached to the married state," reports sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox. There is no doubt courtship, dating, and marriage are all hot topics for Christians today. Katelyn Beaty reports there are 25,000 titles under "Christian marriage" at Amazon.com. We host conferences and plan youth group lesson series on how to court and date as a Christian. At the center of all this discussion is the question of courting versus dating.

Many Christians have adopted courtship as a more intentional alternative to dating. The motive is to respect parents and avoid heartbreak. Advocates of courtship say the inclusion of parents in relationships allows for more accountability for the couple on the physical and emotional level. Also, chaperones serve to shield the couple from temptation. Courtship is designed to protect the couples’ hearts by setting up boundaries and accountability.

However, some Christians are not sold on the courtship idea. In his article “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed,” which received over half a million views and over 100,000 shares on Facebook, blogger Thomas Umstattd said courtship has been unsuccessful in producing marriages. He is not the only person who believes traditional dating more effective than courtship. Many argue it is easier to identify people you may be interested in if the first step is going on a date to get to know each other not entering a relationship leading directly to marriage.

Both relationship styles have their own advocates with different reasoning to back them, but their followers have the common goal of more marriages.

Marriage is an amazing institution which should be protected and treasured; the problem comes when it is our ultimate goal and purpose. Many young Christians can get caught up in the pursuit of a spouse, and they become more focused on themselves and their person of interest than where God fits into the equation. If you are pursuing a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, marriage should be somewhere in the plan, but every Christian’s goal—single or married, young or old, man or woman—should be to glorify God, not to get married. Instead of arguing about whether courting or dating will produce more marriages, we should focus on how we can best glorify God and love one another in courtships and on dates. Including parents in the beginning of the relationship is only a formality, a sign of what you believe about your parents. However, the sign does not make the respect any more valuable.

If we immerse our guy-girl relationships in grace, purity, respect, and selflessness we will find better results in both courting and dating. Those results may not necessarily be more weddings but something more valuable: loving, God-glorifying Christians.

The Bible tells us what healthy marriages look like, how to relate to the opposite sex, and how to respect and love other people. All this can be accomplished in both dating and courting. However you chose to build a relationship, if you let marriage be your goal you are aiming at the wrong target. If you put your hope in God and glorify him in your relationship, you are more likely to build strong personal character and a healthy relationship than if your motive is marriage.

Additional Resources:
Toward a Biblical Approach to Dating