Confronting the Sin Inside

I have seen darkness. I didn't see the suffering in Africa. I didn't lose a family member. This darkness didn't come from the outside world (though there is plenty darkness there). It came from me.

The Story

When I got a concussion last semester, all I could do was lay in my bed in a dark, quiet room. I had put so much hope in what I could accomplish, so when I could do absolutely nothing, I had to wrestle with where I found my value and identity. Did I have to believe I was worthless for two week?

I wish I could talk about how much I learned about my identity in Christ during those days. I wish I could say I dwelt on the promises of Scripture and God's goodness. But my prayers were very different.

"I HATE this, God. I am so mad at you. Why? Why would I need to go through this? This was not my plan."

Honesty with God was good. But eventually I became angry, bitter, cold, and hardened.

And I stayed there for months.

The Discovery

Going into the spring semester, I felt like I should have finally seen the blessing in my suffering. I wasn't enjoying being angry at God, but I also didn't know how to forgive Him. I was angry at God for not healing me, but I was also angry at myself for not trusting Him.

I doubted if I was even saved anymore. After all, I hated Christians, hated life, hated feeling badly, and hated anything that made me feel better.

It was like lifting a dead log that’s been sitting in the grass for too long and finding the disintegration going on underneath. Only I couldn't just drop the log, scream, and run away. The darkness and filth was in my heart.

The Hope

Maybe reading this, you are really annoyed with my self-centered view of darkness. How first-world can I be that looking at myself in the mirror is the worst suffering I have experienced? Don't I know the world is full of drought, abuse, slavery, and starvation?

I do realize the world is broken. But would you mind sitting here with me for a while? Take a moment to wonder if the worst things in life weren't out there, but in you and in me.

Why are we afraid to acknowledge the sin in our hearts when it is what separates us from God? It is literally a death sentence. Our sin, if left alone, can damn us for eternity.

Our culture will let you play the victim and make excuses for sin. But the Bible doesn’t.

"'None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.'…'Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery, and the way of peace they have not known.' 'There is no fear of God before their eyes.'… By works of the law no human being will be justified in His sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin." -- Romans 3:9-20

"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you."  -- 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 (emphasis added)

In the full understanding of our sin, we can also fully understand the depths of God's grace. The above passages conclude this way:

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins." -- Romans 3:23-25

"But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." -- 1 Corinthians 6:11

Confronting the problem of sin is so painful. But when you learn how bad you are, you learn the size of the gift you have been given. Let your recognition of sin be an opportunity to worship the one who paid the punishment for your sin so that you could become a child of God.

Making Time for Family

I remember when Bekah wanted to join track when she was a freshman and I was a junior. I could not have been more opposed. I started running track at the small Christian school as an 8th grader, and it was the first time I had been known for me, not as a younger sister to one of my three older sisters.

If Bekah joined the team it would ruin everything! My friends would like her more, she would run faster, and I would lose my independence. The fears were mostly irrational, but they were very real for me and my insecurities.

Turns out I was totally wrong (surprise, surprise). Having my sister on the team was the best part of my last two years of track.

Now, when I look back on those years, I don't remember how many friends I made, how fast I ran, or if I felt independent. Instead I remember getting Noodles and Company after practice, driving home late at night after meets, singing in the car on the way to practice, and cheering for each other during races.

So here is my advice to you: Make time for your family. They may seem like a pain and all you can think of is how much you want to get away from them, but you need them. I'm four hours away from my siblings, and I miss them like crazy! I want nothing more than to drive around with the windows down singing with my sisters.

Take the time to do things together -- big and small. Spend every moment you can making memories with your family. They are going to stick around longer than any friend, and relationships with them are unbeatable.

Other Posts About Family
Time That Adds Up
I'm Gonna Make This Place Your Home

rest.

 

I don’t know how to write to you about this… At all costs I don’t want you to feel preached at and I don’t want to add anything to your to-do list. You already get that a lot.  I want to give you a chance to breathe. I want this to be a humble encouragement. If anything else it has been therapy for me to write it.

“You have called me higher, you have called me deeper, and I’ll go where you will lead me Lord, where you lead me Lord.”

I sang the words in Friday praise chapel. My heart and mind were racing as usual. It was the end of another long week, and I was late on homework, struggling with grades, failing at work, and injured as an athlete. I had been feeling one step behind all semester. Anxiety was my resting state.

 Then I sang this song. Called me higher? Called me deeper? Why? Why do I have to go further? I’m already running on empty. I don’t have anything left to do, Lord, please don’t call me to be even more uncomfortable.

I was desperate for rest, crying as I sat down in my chair. I gave up, and God was finally able to come in fully and the song began to take on a new message for me.

God was calling me higher and deeper than I would ever choose to go on my own. But He wasn’t asking me to try harder or be more. Instead, He was calling me to embrace what He had already given me.

I think most of us can say we have more asked of us than we can handle. Whether that pressure comes from someone else or ourselves, we are all fighting to reach certain expectations. We always feel like we need a break, but even when we get these, it doesn't seem to be enough to heal our weary, broken hearts.

And our Christianity doesn't seem to give relief. As followers of Jesus, we are told that hardship will come straight to us (John 15:18-20). But we do not need to despair in our tiredness.

Be comforted that you are in the exact place God has called you to. Discomfort is to be expected, but God is sovereign over this and He does not call you into hard work, He calls you into a hard leaning into Him. For He is the Sabbath rest you need and desire.

Take two minutes to breathe and pray. How has God been putting you through hardship lately? How have you responded to this? Let your heart collapse. In dying we live.

Further Reading

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